"FORK handles, handles for forks."
It's an iconic comedy scenario by the Two Ronnies that you could possibly imagine unfolding at one of Brentwood's oldest ironmongers, HJ Looker.
Yet from March next year, "fork handles" will no longer be sold at the store as its long-serving owner Roger Keeble calls it a day.
Mr Keeble, 64, warned that by 2030 there will be no ironmongers left at all, thanks to a combination of the internet and out-of-town hardware superstores.
Since the end of the Second World War, HJ Looker has sold thousands of hammers, nails and trowels to builders, businesses and the "man of the house", as it was.
But now the shop, which has been owned by the Keeble family since 1971, will soon begin a new chapter in its remarkable history.
Mr Keeble and his wife Sandra may be poised to retire next year but thankfully they have lined up a buyer who plans to keep the business going as a hardware store.
Blackmore resident Mr Keeble, who took over the business from his father Fred in 1984, says DIY has always been in his blood.
He recalls painting the family home at the age of 11 and around that time he would hop on the train to London to help out at hardware wholesalers H Snuggs & Co, where his dad worked before deciding to go it alone.
According to Mr Keeble, who is also an independent Brentwood Borough Councillor for the Tipps Cross ward, little has changed at HJ Looker in the past 30 years.
"If my father came back from the grave he would probably find things in exactly the same place, but he would probably go back to the grave when he saw the prices," he chuckled.
But in many other ways, the business has changed dramatically.
The father of two said: "We had part-time staff because the business required it due to the volume of customers in those days.
"There were six, seven or eight small hardware shops in Brentwood back then.
"Once upon a time we used to have a lot of accounts, including Brentwood School, the Post House, the Brentwood Centre, Highwood Hospital, Old Church Hospital and St Faith's Hospital.
"That made a lot of difference to business and losing the hospitals affected trade quite dramatically.
"But on the other side of the coin, the new houses in the Highwood Hospital development are providing a new source of custom, right on our doorstep."
The shop was founded by prominent Brentwood Rotarian Harold Looker, who had originally opened the Ongar Road outlet for his son in the 1940s.
But after his protégé's untimely death, Mr Looker decided to close his High Street location and take it over himself.
Almost 70 years and several owners later, the businessman's name still hangs above the shop front, but in 1961 it was sold to Stanley and Nellie Green from Pilgrims Hatch, who ran it for a decade before the Keebles settled in.
Another major development over the past 40 years has been the influence of TV on domestic DIY, Mr Keeble said.
He believes that shows such as Changing Rooms and DIY SOS have increased the number of women picking up tools, at a time when the traditional "passing on" of woodwork skills from father to son is on the wane.
"I would say especially that young girls and middle-aged women are doing jobs that years ago they would never even considered doing," he said.
"That was because of tradition – it was expected that men would do it but because of TV programmes and DIY videos, they are doing jobs that they never have considered and that's great."
But what of the future of HJ Looker and their independent brethren?
"I think there are a lot of people who still require advice on how to do something at home or need some materials cut down to size, and you obviously cannot get our level of service in a superstore or on the internet," Mr Keeble said.
