IT IS that time of year when we should offer goodwill to all men, even insurers!
So I thought this week I would try to bring a Christmas smile to one and all with some of my favourite legal jokes and no, not the ones where the lawyer is a reincarnation of the devil: there are too many of those!
So, happy Christmas to one and all and a healthy new year; enjoy.
A burglar breaks into the home of a prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the wife and children alone.
As he is leaving the house, he is apprehended by a policeman. He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman that he can't be arrested. The policeman asks why, and he responds: "Because the law states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. As he looks up at the release mechanism, he says: "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said: "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied: "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said. "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million pounds," he answered, "because I want to donate it to MIT."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for £2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear: "Three million pounds."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me £3 million, I'll give you £1 million, I'll keep £1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well."
They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my garden is about two feet tall."